Wednesday, October 11, 2006

The Aged Apprentice GoFer

I have mastered quite a few things in my life, but have, most unfortunately, neglected to get my Papers qualifying me as a Journeyman GoFer.

However, what I lack in learning I am making up in experience, and I am just about the best apprenticing GoFer around these parts.

Ask anyone (except the Master Mechanic, my husband).

After my latest learning experience this morning, I feel I should make up a list of requirements for anyone else who wishes to make GoFering their Career. I would advise you to find another Master Mechanic to apprentice with, however. This one is busy with his own novice, and frustrated beyond belief.....

These are the Requirements for being a Successful GoFer, - as I perceive them to be!

1. Keep your eyes bright, your tail bushy, and cultivate your best bedside manner, especially when the situation is grave.

2. A cheerful and calm demeanor is a great asset.

3. No tears or brimming eyes when the Master Mechanic addresses you through clenched teeth. (It is O.K. to go around the corner and sniff a little)

4. Train your ears to hear only instructions. Shut out any extraneous comments from the Master Mechanic, no matter how profanely creative they are.

5. Avoid looking bewildered, - maintain an attitude of competence and understanding at all times.

6. As a consequence of this you will NEVER ask stupid questions (like, where will I find the jiggery thing-a-ma-bob with two greasy knobs on it? - any fool Apprentice would know that it is under the g-d hood somewhere!)

7. Don't ever be a wiss about greasy hands or broken finger-nails, - they are a mere bagatelle to the pure Apprentice.

8. Try to ignore the sailorly language the Master Mechanic uses, - he learned it as his Father's knee when he was a young Apprentice Lad himself. (I can attest to this, having heard his gentle father cursing at his own tractor when he thought everyone had gone to town!)

9. Remember that your hand is probably smaller than the Master Mechanic's, so don't be shy about offering to snake it into the innards of whatever machine is being attended to, - if you are successful you will be the recipient of the slightest approbation. If not you will only get the clenched teeth treatment once again!

10. Most importantly, keep your eyes bright, your tale bushy, and cultivate your best bedside manner. If you follow these instructions you will be able to retire to the kitchen and assume your own Master Mechanic Mien.

One more mere piece of advice, - if the Career as an Apprentice GoFer appeals to you, I would strongly advise you to enter the field before you are an Octogenarian. And be careful who you choose for your Master Mechanic, - based on experience I would not usually recommend relatives, - definitely not Husbands. They have such a clenched teeth way of saying "No, not that way HONEY - ! Remember, the older the Master Mechanic the longer he has held this position, and the greater his grasp of the task at hand. Ergo, the greater he condescends - patiently, but grimly!

It's an experience no eighty year old wife should miss......

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